Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
