i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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