I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
