So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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