Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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