Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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