I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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