This is not my ceiling
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
