"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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