I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
