I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i will never coherently bang her
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Randomize
