I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
