the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
