I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
