I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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