I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
