I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
