I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Randomize
