I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
