OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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