what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
