i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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