No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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