Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You need a sexual gate keeper
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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