His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
