I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
