and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
My bed is full of blood and feathers
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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