doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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