Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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