WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
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