You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
