there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
