i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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