She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
