did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
