i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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