When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
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