I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
our cab driver is having phone sex.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Randomize
