apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
