I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Betty ford says i'm here all night
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
