so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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