nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
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