He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
