I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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