you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Randomize
