My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
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