We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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