I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
