My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
