I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
