wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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