THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
she peed on how many people?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
