can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
