I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
