I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
